Today America celebrates Independence Day and initially I didn’t want to make a note related to it, because it seemed way too obvious, too popular, to upfront. But the notion of Independence is way too interesting not to think about this topic a little deeper.
What I first started thinking about is how independence and freedom differ from each other. Independence is a state of not being subject to the authority of an external agent. Freedom is the ability to think and act as you see fit.
So basically being independent does not necessarily mean being free. But you cannot be free without being independent. And that’s exactly what I experience right now. Or is it?
I feel quite independent, I make my own decisions and have always done that. I do ask for advice, for opinions – but in the end the decision is only mine. That way I can’t blame anyone else for the way my life turns out. For example, 6 years ago when I left my job in St. Petersburg and took a month off to make a decision on what to do next, the idea of entering a university in Austria really appealed to me. And even though my parents said they didn’t have the resources to support my financially, it was in the end my decision not to pursue that idea and to look for other options. If I really wanted to go, I would have found a way to make it happen. So independence for me very much resembles being responsible for your own life.
While freedom is different. Just a few days ago we had a conversation with a friend on what freedom is. It all started with love and desire for traveling and what we are looking in this travels. One of the words that came up was it gives us the feeling of freedom. And that freedom is multidimensional. First of all, being able to travel to many different places means that I can afford it = have financial freedom. Secondly, and that’s what comes to me right now, it gives me the freedom to be a little bit more myself, meaning I can do what I want because a) I don’t have a schedule to follow, I don’t have everyday life and tasks and I can do what I want and b) the people I meet are most likely short-term acquaintances and I can be myself with them without worrying what they will think about me. I do experience this second type of freedom when I go to new places. And even last year when I came to New York, I didn’t plan to stay here long so I didn’t have a job and was absolutely free in terms of creating my own schedule the way I wanted to. But also and more importantly I was more willing to meet new people, to get into different types of relationships, to explore myself, to let myself be myself – and that really gave me is much freedom.
I want to have that type of freedom permanently. I still don’t feel free enough to let myself be funny, to just dance or sing or be silly even (especially even) with the people I know, I feel very shy to just be silly. Or I still feel very restrained to show my affection, to express my admiration, to just hug someone, – and this is now hard to adit – but even when I was in a relationship I was almost never the first one to hug and kiss my man, because I was still scared that he might not want it, I feared that he might reject me. I understand that this is completely irrational, it is all coming from my childhood where we didn’t express emotions at all. And I’m grateful that I realize this fear consciously. When it comes to act consciously though, I am still completely paralyzed. I do believe in baby steps though, and know that I will get there in my own time.
So on this Independence Day I’m looking to create more of that type of freedom, freedom to express myself more in person.
theredheartnotes 